Mommy where are you?

So, for the past 9 months my heart and mindset has been on doing what I need to do to get into Med School. I am religious (LDS) so I prayed about it, and I felt confirmation to do it.

I really want to be a part-time doctor...which is almost impossible, almost. I really did/do want to be a doctor, but be home when my kids got home from school, and have dinner with my family, and see them. Part-time doctoring really is not recommended by practices and a lot of doctors are having a struggle with this now. I read an article last night that probably made me feel like I should look into something else. Here is what it said:

"If your group hasn't yet bumped up against physicians petitioning to work part time, it will soon. With women now comprising nearly 50 percent of medical students, many young physicians are entering practice expecting that they'll work part time to raise families at some point in their careers. And Gen-Xers of both genders have made it clear that maintaining balance in life—coaching Little League and eating dinner with the family, for example—ranks far above achieving partnership."
--- www.pmandr.com

Then I did more research and found trying to be a part time doctor...is seriously hard to find. It's almost like you have to work full-time for years to make your place, and then put in the plug for part-time, which may just be wishful thinking.
So anyway, I was having some serious doubts about all of this, and if going to med school and being a Doctor was really truly what I wanted. Or if, like most moms, I lost my identity in being mommy? Am I pushing med school because it is what I WANT to do, or because I need something so BIG to separate me from my Mommy mentality? Does that even make sense? It made sense in my head...which could be the problem with a lot of things.


So amongst my confusion last night I prayed for guidance and if being a doctor and going to school was right for me and my family. I had such a different feeling this time. Like I should be a writer. I have always LOVED writing. When I was little I would write and write and write. I won book contest. I Loved writing books and papers. I got such satisfaction out of writing papers. I would write papers for my sister, my brother and even my husband. I have always wanted to a writer my whole life. So last night when my daughter crept into my room like a thief in the night at 2:58am I welcomed her in the bed and just smiled at her and felt an unfathomable about of happiness that I FINALLY knew for sure what I was meant to do.

Then this morning when I woke up...I felt confused. Doctor or writer? Both are hard, it' not like one is easier than the other, to me anyway. I woke up this morning feeling like med school is what I should be doing. How can that be? Last night I felt 100% like I should be a writer? How can I be feeling so strong about two different career paths? Is it me wrestling with God on what he wants me to do vs. what i want to do? Which does he want, and which one do i want? I don't know.

Now I am completely stressed out. This post was not therapeutic for me at all, I thought it would be for some reason.

On a less confusing note: If you haven't entered the Halloween Disney costume contest, click here to enter.